‘Mattering’ means that you feel like you matter, or are significant, to other people. It is associated with positive mental health. Positive, supportive relationships go such a long way for our emotional wellbeing, providing buffers against stress and depression, and improving coping. Have a hard day? Talking about it with people who care about you, support you, or help you laugh it off can completely change your mood.

The inverse of mattering is feeling like you don’t matter. That you are invisible, unimportant, and uncared for. This is a common theme when people feel depressed. However, it can also be a case of which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do people feel like they don’t matter because they are depressed, or do they become depressed because they feel insignificant and uncared for? This can drive not wanting to be a burden, because taking up negative space in relationships (rather than being unimportant, or being cared about) is emotionally painful and intolerable.

Years ago, at a professional workshop, we were asked to reflect on what we stood for (i.e., our values). Mine was so clear: ‘Women Matter’. I still feel this way, and love that this is my work.

Yet, many women don’t feel like they matter. That the sum of their worth comes down to caregiving or achieving at work. Busy lives don’t always leave room for connection- the foundation of mattering. Self-esteem can be undermined in toxic relationships and environments, and valuing yourself poorly makes it hard to conceive that others could value you. Being depressed or traumatised makes it hard to feel positive or connected with others. Marginalising factors (such as poverty, ethnicity, disability, immigration, and more) can disrupt mattering.

Whatever the reason informing how someone feels, it is distressing when you think you don’t matter. Sometimes, the first step is acting like you matter– taking small steps to take care of yourself, such as seeking help, eating at regular intervals, or making the time to do something you enjoy, rather than prioritising everything else.

Another step can be trying to connect with others. Ideally, this would be in a safe relationship, where you take the risk to share your feelings, book a date to do something fun, or arrange time to catch up. If someone gives you space in their lives, this means you matter to them.

Additionally, making time to let others know you care about them can inspire them to return the sentiment. (Busy lives, remember?).

I hope you feel like you matter, sista.

If you don’t feel it- this doesn’t mean that you lack worth. Take it as a message that something isn’t working right now, and consider what might need to be changed.