Perfectionism involves continually striving towards a high standard. In itself, there is nothing wrong with this. The problems begin, however, when these standards are too high, unrealistic, or not fully achievable, or you need to meet these high standards to feel good about yourself. 

With perfectionism, if you achieve a high standard (for example, get high marks on an assessment, be a gentle parent all day long through lots of challenges, or get all positive feedback on a task or performance review), then this becomes not good enough – it’s too easy or achievable! For example:

• Why can’t I gentle parent 100% of the time?
• Why didn’t I get 100% on this assessment instead of 97%?
• Why didn’t I get stronger positive feedback on this one area of my performance review?

If you achieve highly, it’s still not good enough, and the standard is lifted again. It also triggers self-criticism- ‘Not good enough! Bad! Failing!’. Both of these things (self-criticism and increasing standards) lead to distress, such as anxiety and stress, poor sleep, difficulty concentrating, worry, and more. This distress makes you strive harder to get things done to a higher level. You may double-check your work, white-knuckle your parenting, and spend more time than before on tasks (whether that be cleaning your home or spending more time on work). This means that other areas of your life shrink, such as time with friends or family; leisure and fun times; sleeping; or resting (these become less important than achieving). Life then becomes less fun, and you get into a burnout cycle.

This is just when you achieve the standard- what about when you can’t or don’t achieve these high standards? It’s the same cycle. Self-criticism (‘Not good enough! Bad! Failing!’), distress and symptoms (e.g., insomnia, anxiety, poor concentration), and you work harder to try and meet these high standards again. But on top of this, procrastion creeps in. You put off the dreaded or overwhelming task that you can’t quite live up to. (No one wants to feel like a failure, so you’ll naturally avoid the tasks triggering this belief).

These things (procrastination, negative self-talk, distress such as anxiety, and aiming for unrealistic high standards) all make perfectionism stronger. It’s a self-maintaining, self-strengthening cycle.

Sometimes, perfectionism can be present in one part of your life (such as work, studies, parenting, your relationships in general, your exercise regime, or any area that can get tied up with ‘achievement’), but not in other parts of your life. Sometimes, perfectionism is present across the board.

It can help to start by looking at your beliefs; some unrealistic perfectionist myths (and responses) are covered here.

 

If you’re a perfectionist: It’s a coping strategy. The real issue is poor self-esteem and self-criticism. And you didn’t just learn this from nowhere: it was internalised from things that have happened in your environment. (I’m sorry this happened.)

Women, all women, have worth and value- and it’s not tied up in what you do and what you perfectly achieve.