Women are more likely to carry the mental load – essentially, the knowledge and coordination of what is needed to keep the household running.

Often, because this load is invisible, everybody can forget that it is work and also forget to allocate resources to it. It can be easy to fall into the trap of going to bed and have your mind tick over the to-do list, what’s coming up, and what you can’t forget. You can be exhausted, but once this starts happening, your body becomes tense. Sleep (or the possibility of it) won’t happen at this point. It’s frustrating when you’re tired, exhausted, or only have a limited window for sleep.

Sometimes, you can be so busy doing all the things during the day or trying to squeeze in some time to relax and unwind at night that the mental load has no other time to appear but in bed. Bed becomes your thinking time.

When it happens, it can feel isolating. And it’s not just you kept awake by the to-do list. This can happen to anyone, but often to women and mothers. (You don’t need to be a mum to have a mental load, though.). 

It’s counterproductive to ‘work’ in bed, but typically unintentional. Your mind just starts ticking over, which can be hard to control. If this is you, then life is obviously demanding.

It is possible to change this pattern, however. It can be helpful to pull this workload out of bed by creating thinking time earlier in the day. Make 10 minutes during the day or evening to reflect on your day and what is coming up, review your calendar or list, and make any notes about those things you must do or can’t forget. (Just don’t do it right before bed – this will mean you’re more likely to keep thinking about it when you’re in bed.)

And when your mind does start ticking over in bed, try gently reassuring yourself that you’ve noted this or are on top of this (as much as you can be). If it’s something you’ve forgotten, make a quick note of it so you can let it go.

And then actively work on settling yourself for rest. Try a breathing practice. Listen to relaxing music. Distract yourself. Practice cognitive shuffling. This is part of trying to retrain yourself away from the pattern that bed = thinking or work.